Insomnia feels like…

Sometime around 1:30am I get in bed.  I turn off the lights and put my earbuds in.  There’s a music meditation that helped me sleep a few days ago—I listen to it for 20 minutes and I start to feel my mind drifting off.

Water, windchimes, rain—the melody of the music carries me, and I’m standing at the top of some stone steps.  Bamboo leaves graze my cheek as I descend to small round courtyard with a waterfall on one side.  I kneel on the meditation mat.  I inhale.  I smile at the waterfall.

Psychology Writing

Anger Feels Like…

Sometimes, I feel consumed by it.

The wave comes down, crashing, and I’m filled with anger, rage, sadness.  My soul is screaming and reality disappears around me.  I flow out of myself.  Parts of me are shooting out into space.  My thoughts spin and heave and crash.

I feel a golden whirling.  I’m spinning out and around myself.  Desperation.

And I am ashamed.  They don’t understand me.  I see it in their eyes, their pity, their reassurance.  I cry and scream, I feel desperately alone.

Meanwhile, I’m exploding.  I’m surging towards the glass and walls.  Shards flickering.  —But further.  And I’m expanding past it all, I’m flooding the streets and the canyons, I’m hurling into space.  I’m howling and panicking.

Suddenly, it stops.  I hover for a whispering second.

And then I feel a sucking and a rushing as I’m pulled back into myself.  I’m spinning back and down again, I’m screaming tears into the pillows, I hear the wind churning, I’m hurtling towards myself.

And then I’m back.  I collapse, filled with deadness and silence.  Whisps of myself floating out like smoke.

Writing

An Ode to Gummy

Any thruhiker can attest to the greatness of the humble gummy worm [insert affiliate link]. My most loyal companion, the gummy, was with me through thick and thin, sweet and sour—celebrating my greatest efforts and comforting my most crippling defeats. Crying on a rock? Gummy. Made it to Canada? Gummy. Slowly succumbing to hypothermia? Gummy.

Hiking